Tuesday, December 30, 2008

But I WANT It!!

Sometimes I feel dumb when people ask me, "So, what do you want to be when you get older?" I feel dumb because I'm really not sure what I want to do...as far as a professional career goes. I enjoy music, and that's what I'm majoring in right now, but I don't have a "passion" for it.

Quite honestly, the only "career" that I know I want is that of a wife and mother. Ever since I was a kid, that's been my one strong desire. And now that I'm 18, that desire is stronger than ever, especially since, technically, I'm old enough to be in a serious relationship (although at this point, I know for a fact I'm not ready for one! :-)

I often talk with my mom about my desire for romance and marriage, and about the struggles I face as a college freshman surrounded, not only by guys my age, but also by other girls who have their own boyfriends.

It's not just romance, though. I'm developing other desires as I grow and mature. Desires for more independence. I want to "do things on my own," like get a job, go out with friends, etc. However, my parents (and God) repeatedly remind me to trust in His timing and plan, and to not rush into things based on emotion and impulse.

For no particularly profound reason, I recently decided to start reading through 1 Kings. Chapters 1-2 tell the story of Adonijah, David's oldest surviving son, and of his desire to be "independent." He wanted his father David's throne, despite the fact that God had given that throne to his younger brother, Solomon. So, behind his father's back, he crowned himself king. With lots of friends cheering him on, he held his own coronation ceremony! He even performed the appropriate religious rituals and sacrifices.

When David found out, he held his own coronation ceremony for Solomon. Adonijah, realizing the trouble he was in, got scared and decided to submit to his brother's authority. However, he eventually resumed his quest for power, and as a result, Solomon had him executed.

What a lesson! Adonijah desired to be king. He desired to be independent. Yet his rebellion and persistence in resisting God's will cost him his life.

This story challenged me, and it reinforced what I've been taught for a long time: God's timing and will are best. If I push for what I want now (romance, independence, my own way, etc.), I will certainly regret it! It doesn't matter how many friends I get on my side; Adonijah had plenty of outside support. It doesn't matter what religious motions I go through to justify my rebellion; Adonijah made the required sacrifices to God. Getting my way in opposition to God's way is always sinful.

What if I decided to push for romance...and got my way? I would probably end up in a stressful relationship that would divert my focus from my present callings of being a student and a daughter. I could place myself in a dangerous situation that caused me to compromise my purity and end up married to the completely wrong guy!

What if I decided to force my independence...and got my way? I could end up holding a job with a horrible atmosphere and many potentially dangerous influences that could pull me down spiritually.

It's scary, but it's true! I'm so thankful that God is using His Word and my parents to warn me and to impress these truths into my mind and heart.

help me to pursue Your plan and purpose for my life.
Help me to focus on Your will for me,
and not to pursue my will for me.
Thank You for Your promises to meet all of my needs,
and thank you for the truth that if marriage
is a part of Your plan for me,
and if gaining a little more Independence
is in Your will,
You will provide all that is necessary!
I love You!


Rachel said...

Everything you mentioned in this post, Brianna, is what I think about as well. People ask me what will I be doing. I am thinking of being a preschool teacher, but deep down, what I want to be is a wife and mother some day. :) Also, being at a community college as well, I see other girls my age have boyfriends. But it is in God's perfect timing for everything and He knows better than I do! :) Thank you for writing this post.

Anonymous said...

Great post, thugh as a 13 year old, I don't feel that way, but I am sure I will in the future.

Madison said...

Hello Brianna!
Yes, I feel the same way sometimes. I know what it's like. ;-) But I'm sure you have it a lot harder than I have it, because you're in college, and you're definitely old enough to have a relationship, and old enough to be independent if you wanted to. I know it must be hard! But God will give you strength, if you ask Him for it!
Great post! Very good points. :)


Oksana said...

Wow! That is definitely a message that I needed to hear today. I struggle with impatience and wanting to have my own way in just about every aspect of life (in a big way), and this basically put my struggles into words. Thank you for sharing your heart on this blog -- it's really encouraging. :)

Julia said...

You've been tagged! see my blog for details.

Great post..

Maddie said...

You write the best things! Even at 14 I do feel pressure to rush Gods timing. :-) I also have a tendency to worry about these things :) But God is showing me that HIS plan is perfect and in HIS time he will give me the 'desires of my heart' :) Great post - again :D and Thanks for being SUCH a great friend!
Love Always,

Maddie said...

Oh and I forgot to thank you for the message on my birthday! My mom listened to it first and could not figure out who it was. I listened to it and had to wonder how she missed the 'Hey this is the old lady and Brianna' before the singing :D

love always,

Sharon said...

I got asked the same question yesterday: "So what are you planning to focus on studying? Have you decided what you want to be?"

I usually reply that I'll be whatever God decides. I have had lots of ideas, "passions" that came and went. So truly, I'll wait on Him.

I'm so glad I read this post! I never considered that in that story of Adonijah.

Sharon said...

Oh and thanks for the link!

Anonymous said...


Everyday I'm reminded of what I could have become if the Lord hadn't changed the hearts of myself and my parents.
Instead of being pulled down low by sin and darkness, God has the perfect plan for His daughters who trust in Him and don't try to hurry things along. To be a godly woman isn't easy, but now I see it is the ultimate, most rewarding "career" any woman could have.

Sara said...

This is a wonderful post!! I really relate to what you are saying- it is so easy to want our independence now that we are older. Sometiems it's hard to submit to parents and even to God when we are really, really wanting something. A couple years ago, I was very certain that I wanted to be in a relationship that seemed to be getting serious, but my parents saw things I didn't. It was very, very hard hard for me to submit and give up the relationship, and I cried many tears, but now I see that it was all for my good! God was wanting me to see how I needed to wait on Him and not rush into things.

I've seen sooo many of my friends rush off and do things on their own, and it's hard when they have boyfriends and are independent. But you know what? They aren't happy, even if they say they are. Because they are constantly breaking up and moving on to someone else.

I'm excited to see what God has for you and me Brianna. I know it will be SO worth it if we just wait on Him!


p.s. whoops! this post became WAY longer than I thought it would! hehe